Burger Review #8: Burger Edge's 'The Meat Lover'

Sh. P136, Enex 100 Bldg.

783-703 Hay Street Perth, WA 6000

Ph: (08) 9486 7715

Like an overexcited nudist enthusiast, the gourmet burger scene has seemingly exploded all over the place in the last five years, with big franchises and little burger bars popping up all over the place. Thankfully for me it means there are plenty of tasty nooks and crannies left to check out and review (also just like an overexcited nudist enthusiast).

A while back I stepped into the newish shoppery building in Perth, known as Enex 100. Locals will know it as the collection of clothing stores where store assistants wearing vests and chravats banally chat away to each other, pausing only to stare down any unfortunates who think they can afford to shop there. But I had not come there in search of shopping wankery. I was there to eat at Burger Edge, a new franchise that had set up a booth in the food court on the top floor of the building.

Accompanied by my sometime burger-reviewing partner in crime Julie (happy birthday!) I stepped up to the counter and perused their menu. With burger names like 'The BBQ Bacon' and 'The Mexican' I thought I had wandered into a pizzeria instead. In the end I settled on the similarly pizza-themed 'The Meat Lover'. Let's dig in!

APPEARANCE: It looked okay. There, I put as much effort into describing it as they did into slapping it together. We're even. SCORE: 6

INGREDIENTS: Beef patty, short rindless bacon, salami, ham, cheese, salad, BBQ sauce in a white sourdough bun. Yep, that's a pretty meaty burger. I was most excited about the salami - one of my favourite pizza toppings - and hoped it would translate just as tastily as a burger ingredient. The salad amounted to lettuce, tomato and onion (i.e. the basics) and it was all served in a white sourdough bun, because everything tastes better when its sour. Sourdough or sourdon't, that is the question, amiright?! SCORE: 7.5

TASTE: On first bite, the bun was dry, but the burger pattie had that delicious flame-grilled flavour that Hungry Jacks boasts of (except in their case I think it comes from a spray bottle). With each consecutive bite, the bun became drier and drier. The outer edges were nice and slightly burnt, but towards the center it was like chewing through a dust storm. Then the meat began to meld together into its own kind of 'Human Centipede' monstrosity. I couldn't tell the bacon from the salami, the beef from the ham. It just tasted like a metric buttload of MEAT. At risk of overdosing from the carnage, I begged the salad to get in there and defuse the situation. Sadly the red onion was crunchy and raw, the tomato was devoid of flavour and the lettuce limp and ineffectual (as always). A promising start had descended into a meat-lined madhouse. SCORE: 6.5

HANDLING: There was a small amount of drippage, which almost seems to be expected these days. No, kind sirs, I don't appreciate the animal-flavoured innards of my meal spilling out onto my lap, ruining my brand new kilt and inconveniencing the passers-by. Still, I've had worse. Much worse. SCORE: 7.5

AFTERMATH: I honestly cannot remember how well this burger sat in my digestive tract. Considering it was several fistfuls of grilled flesh wrapped in ashes, it can't have been too pleasant. But alas, we'll never know for sure and I'll have to give the burger the benefit of the doubt. SCORE: 6

PRICE: With a serve of onion rings this carnivorous catastrophe left me $16 lighter. Again, these supposedly 'gourmet' burger bars are pushing the upper limits of what is considered a reasonable price for a hamburger. Still, they aren't the only ones guilty of this, and the onion rings were pretty tasty. SCORE: 6

OVERALL: If you can't get out to Burger Edge any time soon, I have a way you can recreate the experience in your own home. Order in a meat-lovers pizza. Sprinkle with tomato and lettuce. Roll up the pizza and its topping and begin mastication. Ta-dahhhh!!!

FINAL SCORE: 6.5/10

Burger Review #7: Missy Moo Beef Burger

Missy Moos Gourmet Burger Bar
400 South Terrace, South Fremantle WA 6162
Ph: (08) 9433 3322


Hi gang, miss me?

Nestled in a quiet corner of Fremantle one will find Missy Moo's Gourmet Burger Bar, a professional burgernaut establishment nary a burger's throw from the ocean. Run by a mother and daughter duo, it has built up a reputation as one of WA's best burgeries. Even professional fat bloke Mat Preston gave it a 9/10. Shall I be as forgiving? Let's see!


Somehow I found myself down Freo way, so far from home, and took the opportunity to check out what Missymoos had to offer. A word of warning - the people I saw milling about that day terrified me. Countless beach-goers who decided that a wet t-shirt and tiny speedos qualified as clothing. Some insane old lady stomping down the sidewalk, hurling fat gobs of greenish ooze every few steps. Beware.


The place has a kids nursery rhyme vibe to it, with burger names such as the 'humpty dumpty' and the 'two little dickie birds' (and don't that just sound appetising!). Being my first time I decided to play it safe and went for the vanilla stylings of the Missy Moo Beef Burger.


APPEARANCE: The burger wasn't much to look for when it arrived. Granted, I did order is takeaway, so perhaps they deserve the benefit of the doubt. SCORE: 5


INGREDIENTS: Beef pattie, spinach, tomato, tomato relish and aioli, all slapped together in a bun. The bare basics, but that's all you need. A guaranteed sign of a 'gourmet' burger is the appearance of aioli. It must be worth more than oil, the way it drives the price of a burger up. SCORE: 8


TASTE: Well hot dang, this is a tasty burger! It possesses a delicious savoury flavour, with a hint of spiciness. The savouriness is boosted by the relish, but the lightness of the tomato and aioli balance things out and prevent it from going too far. The bun doesn't intrude at all, it simply does its job and keeps everything in place. It is seen, not tasted, like all good buns should be. And children. SCORE: 8


HANDLING: I had the benefit of eating the burger out of a paper holder, so there was only a small amount of debris and dripping. If you eat in your experience may differ. SCORE: 7


AFTERMATH: This is where I expected the burger to stumble. It was a great experience so far but, like the gigantic boss at the end of every video game, there had to be a fatal weakness! The spicy tomato relish is almost too spicy in parts, creating a small amount of discomfort in the stomach region. It may have been the result of a chemical reaction between the burger and the spearmint shake I chugged alongside it. Relish and milk mix, right? SCORE: 6


PRICE: Ten bucks. A simple tenner and this burger can be yours. It sounds reasonable, but remember there is very little to the meal ingredients-wise. Still, its on the lower end of the gourmet burger price spectrum, so I can't complain. More advanced burgers range in price from $11-15 (and a gourmet toasted sandwich priced at a wallet-emptying $16.50!). SCORE: 8


OVERALL: If a burger can't stand on its own without a cavalcade of extra ingredients to back it up, then it is no real burger at all. Missy Moo's Beef Burger definitely stands alone. A delicious delight, its mouth-watering beef pattie drives this flavour train, with the relish sitting in the back, gawking at the scenery. It made the trip from the hills to Fremantle a worthwhile endeavour, and I recommend you give Missy Moo's a bash if you're ever down that way.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10

Burgerlord USA!

More mini-reviews from the grand old US-of-A:

In-N-Out's Cheese Burger Meal

In-N-Out

333 Jefferson Street

San Francisco, CA

$4.25USD incl. tax

Appearance: 6

Ingredients: 6

Handling: 8

Taste: 4

After-Effects: 8

Value: 6

Beef patty, onion, tomato, lettuce, cheese & mayo on a lightly-toasted bun.

The tasteless patty is so thin it is practically transparent. The huge chunks of raw onion are unfortunately the only source of flavour.

FINAL SCORE: 6.3/10

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Fatburger's King Burger

Fatburger

3673 S. Las Vegas Blvd.

Las Vegas, NV 89109

$4.89USD (+50c for cheese)

Appearance: 6

Ingredients: 7

Handling: 7

Taste: 7.5

After-Effects: 7

Value: 8

1/2lb beef patty, lettuce, tomato, pickles, mustard, mayo & relish on a "freshly baked" bun.

Tasty burger from this retro-styled restaurant chain. Comes wrapped in a handy paper holder that aids in the initial eating but soon becomes a slop depository.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10

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Bennigan's "The Irish"

Bennigan's

150 South Michigan Avenue

Chicago, IL

$9.99USD incl. tax (with fries)

Appearance: 8

Ingredients: 7

Handling: 2

Taste: 8

After-Effects: 3

Value: 5

2 x beef patties, cheese, tomato & lettuce on a toasted bun.

This double-decker behemoth is so massive that there is no chance of tackling it with your hands. Despite the juicy grilled patties I struggled to finish this bad boy. Come prepared.

FINAL SCORE: 5.5/10

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Billy Goat's Triple Cheeseburger

Billy Goat Tavern & Grill

330 S.Wells St, Chicago, IL

$5.55USD excl. tax

Appearance: 6

Ingredients: 7

Handling: 8

Taste: 8

After-Effects: 7

Value: 8

3 x beef patties, 2 x slices cheese on a white bun (with mayo, ketchup, onions & pickles added by me at the condiments table).

Quick and friendly service despite the surly cook insisting I 'get a double' instead. Thin but tasty patties get my thumbs up!

FINAL SCORE: 7.3/10

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Still more to come - stay tuned burgernauts!

Brett's Burger Review - USA Edition!

And we're back!

Way back in 2005 I had the pleasure of visiting the home of the hamburger - the United States of America. While there I saw lots of sights and met lots of great people but, most importantly, I ate a lot of burgers. It was here that I first had the idea to set up a burger review site, something that would take me five years to get around to doing!

I recently found the little black book in which I had written reviews of the burgers I had sampled during my trip in the USA. Here now, for your reading pleasure, are some mini-reviews of the burgers that I tried. Enjoy!


Rock Bottom's House Burger
Rock Bottom Bar & Brewery
740 N. Plankinton Avenue
Milwaukee, WI 53203
$9.49USD excl. tax (with caesar salad & fries)

Appearance: 6
Ingredients: 6
Handling: 6
Taste: 8
After-Effects: 8
Value: 6

The bare minimum as far as the ingredients go, but the burger patty is excellent. A solid and tasty burger, but lacking in extras.

FINAL SCORE: 6.6/10


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Surf View Cafe's Regular Hamburger
Surf View Cafe
330 Santa Monica Pier
Santa Monica Pier, CA 90401-3128
$4.32USD incl. tax


Appearance: 3
Ingredients: 5
Handling: 8
Taste: 5
After-Effects: 7
Value: 7

Beef patty, tomato, lettuce, pickles & mayo in a bun.

My first hamburger from the United States. Looks terrible but does the job... barely.

FINAL SCORE: 5.8/10


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Hooters Burger
Hooters of Chicago
660 N. Wells Street
Chicago, IL 60610
$5.99USD (+39c for American cheese)

Appearance: 5
Ingredients: 7
Handling: 8
Taste: 5
After-Effects: 7
Value: 6

Beef patty, tomato, onion, lettuce, baked beans, pickles & american cheese in a sesame seed bun.

Tastes like an oversized burger from McDonalds. The patty was greasy and mostly tastless. Friendly waitress, though!

FINAL SCORE: 6.3/10

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Vegan Burger
Santa Monica Boulevard
Santa Monica, CA

Appearance: 6
Ingredients: 5
Handling: 7
Taste: 4
After-Effects: 8
Value: 4

Perhaps the most bizarre burger I have ever eaten. It looks like a normal burger, but everything inside it is pure vegan, even the "beef" patty, bacon and cheese. A spot-on facsimile of the real thing as far as appearances go. Now they just need to make it taste good.


FINAL SCORE: 5.6/10

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More to come - stay tuned!

Burger Review #6: Grill'd 'Crispy Bacon & Cheese'

The burger-peddling entity known as Grill'd has been around for a while in Australia, but has only just opened up stores in Perth (one in Mount Lawley and one to follow in Subiaco). They promise healthy, low-fat burgers that are 'made with love', which to a serious mind like mine means semen. Still, despite the threat of a nutritious meal I headed on in to the Mount Lawley store to sample their wares.

The place was absolutely jam-packed, and elbows were a-flyin' as I fought my way to one of the few tables left. I scanned the menu and was faced with a lineup of intriguing burger selections, such as 'Moroccan Lamb' and 'The Zen Hen', but in the end there was only one real choice: the Grill'd Crispy Bacon & Cheese! Their claim of making healthy burgers would be put to the ultimate test, as this baby was 80% animal by-product.

APPEARANCE: The first thing I noticed when my burger arrived was that it was sitting on a plate. Not a ball of foil, not a cardboard box but a real, honest-to-god dinner plate. I spent a good few minutes admiring the china before I even noticed the burger, which itself was not too shabby to look at. All of its ingredients were on display - its decent-sized meat patty, slice of cheese and salad-y undergrowth - but without it all hanging out like some cheap tart. Not a showy presentation by any means, but a quietly confident one, promising a delicious experience to follow. The only thing that concerned me was a long toothpick skewered right through the centre of the burger. Would it all fall apart when it's big moment came? SCORE: 7

INGREDIENTS: Lets take the list of ingredients straight from the Grill'd website (www.grilld.com.au): Grilled 100% lean beef, crispy trim bacon, tasty cheese, salad (tomato, lettuce & onion), relish & herbed mayo. A good lineup, as simple and straightforward as its appearance. I had the option of having the burger served in either a panini or a wholemeal bun. I chose the latter, as to me paninis are things that sit in the front of a Miss Maudes for untold ages. You can see everything being made behind the counter, ensuring your meal arrives on your table only moments after being compiled by the skilled burgernauts at Grill'd. SCORE: 7

HANDLING: As mentioned above, the burger came with a skewer holding the whole thing together, which made me think it would all fall apart when I began eating it. And that is what should have happened, except somehow this burger defied all the odds. The moment I removed the skewer and picked the burger up, a slice of tomato started its escape. I gnawed away at one side of the burger while the salad tried to beat a hasty retreat out the other, with the onion leading the charge. Further and further it slipped down, until I had a lengthy chain of filling dangling out the back of the bun, like a barrel of monkeys made of salad. And yet, despite this, not one piece fell out completely, except for a tiny scrap of tomato at the very end. Was this a freak occurrence, or had the Grill'd burger maestros engineered the burger to be this way from the start? We may never know the truth. SCORE: 5

TASTE: My first bite was mostly toasted bun, which tasted fresh yet disturbingly healthy, but a hint of smokiness pushed through, meaning I must have snagged a bit of bacon. I forged on, but the burger's initial promise quickly evaporated as I faced mouthful after mouthful of crunchy bun and too-sweet relish. The burger patty suddenly appeared thin and lacking. Still, I forged on, and was glad I did, because the closer I got to the centre of the burger, the better it tasted. Towards the middle the burger was positively juicy, all of its flavours combining together to create a veritable 'flavourgasm' (consider that trademarked!). The sweetness of the relish became tempered by the cool mayo, while the bacon infused the whole meal with smoked piggy goodness. Unfortunately the flavour began to vanish again as I worked my way out to the edge of the burger, until once against I was left with nothing but bits of wholemeal bun. SCORE: 6

AFTER EFFECTS: Nothing to report here. The burger sat pretty well in my gut, and there were no ill-effects, even after I scoffed a bagful of fries. Bravo, Grill'd, bravo... *slow clap*. SCORE: 9

VALUE: The Crispy Bacon & Cheese comes in at a pricey $11.50, which is apparently the price you pay for a healthy meal. Despite the good performance of the burger, I felt that it wasn't fully deserving of so high a price. I mean, eleven-and-a-half bucks is approaching pub food prices, and this was supposed to be a humble burger joint. If you order chips and dipping sauce to go with it (which I did) you will be looking at close to $20 for a meal.SCORE: 4

In the end the burger was a mixed experience, but was a mile better than some of the other ones that have been reviewed on this blog. The inconsistent flavour and high price hurt it, but when the flavours got a-minglin' the burger really came into its own. I can't speak for how healthy it was, but it tasted good and didn't leave me feeling like I had a lump of cement in my stomach afterwards. And after my recent burger experiences that was all I was hoping for. If you haven't tried Grill'd before I would recommend you give them a shot, even if they do promise a healthy eating experience.

FINAL SCORE: 6.5/10

Burger Review #5: Ready Go Eat Cheeseburger

A true artist suffers for his work. Proof of this is the burger I am about to consume (lord help me!). We've all seen them, sitting quietly in the freezer aisle of our local supermarket, trying to lure us in with their promises of quick cooking times and delicious flavours. That's right, I'm talking about the microwaveable hamburger.

Someone has to buy these things, right? Otherwise the stores wouldn't stock them. Unless, that is, they are the same burgers from the initial stock order that have been sitting around for several years. People out there are actually taking home a frozen burger, preferring to zap it in their microwave rather than pick up something (slightly) fresher from the fast food joint on the corner. And today I have joined that special brand of people. Today I try Ready Go Eat's Cheeseburger!

APPEARANCE: The first thing that amazed me when I went to purchase a microwaveable hamburger was that I actually had to choose between brands. There are multiple frozen hamburgers. Astounding. In the end I went for the bright yellow packaging of the Ready Go Eat brand, which promises 'Yummy Cheese' and a 'Unique Heating Tray'. I like how it says 'with tomato relish', as if that would be the deal-sealer that convinces a person to buy.

Inside the box is what looks like your garden variety cheeseburger, cocooned inside a plastic bag. The unique heating tray I was promised turns out to be a regular cardboard tray with pretty frilled edging. Still, this miracle of modern science promises that it will ensure a 'crispy base burger every time'. Thank goodness, I was sick of the undersides of my burgers not being burnt enough! SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: Things are starting to get really troubling. A glance at the ingredients list reveals all kinds of preservatives, thickeners, flavours, and anticaking agent, in case the burger tries to turn into a dessert when no one's watching. The beef patty promises to be at least 27% beef, which leaves a whopping 73% of WTF! The percentages continue: beef patty 43%, tomato relish 9%, processed cheese 8% and... that's it. The other 40% has either vanished or is composed of something so horrible they don't dare name it. Or perhaps it is made of wishes and pixie dreams. SCORE: 2

HANDLING: I'm taking the burger out of its plastic coffin and shoving it in the microwave. I zap it for 2 minutes 15 seconds, a bit longer than recommended as I don't want anything in that burger to remain alive. The cooking instructions (LOL) suggest leaving the burger for a minute after microwaving it so it can cool down. I will find some way to restrain myself. What has emerged from the microwave appears almost exactly the same as what had gone in. The major difference is that the slice of processed cheese has boiled itself into a frenzy, and is now riddled with craters and bubbles. I check the underside of the bun, which reveals a dark patch of slightly rougher texture. Crispy base, my ass!

Being a simple cheeseburger, the handling of this one should be a cinch. After the interminable minute had passed I was able to hold it firmly in both hands, with no drippage or loss of filling. Now comes the hard part - biting into it. SCORE: 7

TASTE: Although the outside has cooled sufficiently, the inside is like the molten core of the Sun. My first bite passed through layers of fluffy bun, sticky cheese and thick, rubbery, almost-beef patty, but it all tastes like nothing. I forge on. Apart from a faint hint of some nasty chemical, there is no flavour to this burger whatsoever. It's as if I am consuming a heated up plastic replica of a hamburger. Ooh, I bit into a sesame seed! It's like a taste explosion compared to what has come before. Still I continue, each bite denying my taste buds any kind of stimulus. I think the chemical taste is coming from the tomato relish. The psuedo-beef patty is a little too tough to bite through; I'm guessing the remaining 73% is old beer coasters. This is the absolute nadir of my journey thus far. May God have mercy on my soul. SCORE: 1

AFTER EFFECTS: A few minutes have passed. I have been so focused on my stomach that I have failed to notice the headache that has just crept up. My body is filled with so many preservatives that I will probably live forever. Oh god, I have this horrible oily flavour stuck in the back of my throat. How is this possible when the burger didn't taste like anything!?!? SCORE: 4

VALUE: I don't even remember how much this cost. It doesn't really matter, does it? Nothing is worth the horror of going through this ordeal. SCORE: 4

Thank Christ I didn't choose the one with bacon.

FINAL SCORE: 3/10

Burger Review #4: Truffled Wagyu Beef Burger

Welcome back all you loyal burger fans to another exciting instalment of Brett's Burger Review? He's back and freshened up after narrowly escaping the clutches of the roly-poly truffled pigball. Will our daring hero ever find that perfect burger? Read on dear fellows...

Okay, so the gourmet burger route didn't go quite as I had planned. The addition of truffles, undeniably one of the swankiest of ingredients, did little to make up for poor presentation, lack of variety in other ingredients and the, frankly, baffling taste. Nevertheless, I refused to give up after one mixed experience. I had to try another gourmet burger - and stat!

Luckily for me there was more than one type of burger on offer at the Mundaring Truffle Festival several weeks back. Ever the glutton, I bought two - one to have for the lunch and the other for dinner that night. The Truffled Moon-meat Burger was dealt with in the last review (and let us never mention its cursed name again...). It was now time to face the Truffled Wagyu Beef Burger!

APPEARANCE: The folks at the truffle festival clearly feared that alien lifeforms were after their burgers. That is the only reason I can think of for them being wrapped in so much god-damn foil! Evidently it helps repel the cosmic rays fired by the burger-hating Martian race. Once my lovingly be-foiled meal was freed from its metallic tomb I was left with a cruelly familiar sight. Plain bun, meat patty and that blasted rocket sticking out the bottom, forever taunting me. Was I destined to relive the experience of the moon-meat debacle? SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: After further inspection it certainly seemed that way. The bun was again of high quality and thoroughly smeared in pungent truffle oil. The beef patty was a nice thickness and appeared to be nicely grilled. The rocket can go die in a fire - if you are going to put some salad in there, do it right! Lettuce and tomato, folks, it may not be classy but it beats the hell out of the limp and flavourless offering I had. A peek under the patty yielded a pleasant surprise in the form of sliced mushroom! All right, now we're getting somewhere! SCORE: 7

HANDLING: The handling with this burger was a cinch, mainly because there was very little to fall out of it in the first place. I can't figure out whether that should be a plus or a minus? The meat patty stayed in position like a good boy, unlike the ever-moving hog-ball from last time. The bun was slick with oil, and therefore my hands ended up the same way. Anyone have a napkin? SCORE: 7

TASTE: The burger was quite good but not very strong in truffle flavour, which is no bad thing. The oil that was lathered across the bun more than made up for the deficit. The patty was nicely charred around the edges, giving an extra boost to the taste-factor. Although the meat was nice, I expected a bit more from it. The flavour of minced remains of a massaged, beer-fed cow should be nothing short of transcendent, right? The mushrooms added a great counter-point to the meatiness and were a very welcome addition. The rocket shouldn't have bothered showing up, though I suppose it added a dash of colour to the mostly brown offering. SCORE: 7

AFTER EFFECTS: Considering I was close to overdosing on truffle-infused foodstuffs, I felt quite fine afterwards. There is always the unsettling feeling as a masticated lump of cow-bread amalgam drops into your stomach, but it quickly passed.SCORE: 8

VALUE: As with the moon-meat madness, this burger cost me a paltry tenner. Again, I consider that pretty good value for a meal loaded with gourmet ingredients. SCORE: 8

Overall the Truffled Wagyu Beef Burger was very tasty and not at all overshadowed by the truffle flavour. Some more salad would have been nice to break up the protein-and-carbs bonanza, but I couldn't complain too much. The quality and flavour of the burger meat is far ahead of the pack at this point, but that is still a way off what I believe a top-class burger should be. Room for improvement, truffle festival. See you next year.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10