Burger Review #2: The Subi Burger

It was a deceptively pleasant afternoon last Saturday when my beloved grandfather and I ventured down to Subiaco Oval to watch our football team of choice, the mighty West Coast Eagles, take on the pointless Carlton Blues. Little did I know that an evening of pain and anguish awaited me.

No, I'm not talking about the fact that the Eagles only played for half the game, before meekly waving the white flag and getting trampled into the turf by Carlton. And I'm not even talking about the feral, wild-eyed Carlton supporters who all had their team song memorised in their tiny brains (but, unfortunately, not the number of a good dentist).

No, I'm talking about the dreaded 'Subi Burger'.

Neither of these things are true.

APPEARANCE: Well, what can you say? This is the burger you threaten to show your kids when they are acting up. The burger you brandish to repel a charging bear. The kind of burger that can stand in for the Big Bad on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, it is perhaps the ugliest burger known to mankind. SCORE: 2

This crawls out of your closet at night.

INGREDIENTS: The Subi Burger is presented between a soft, sesame seed bun, not unlike the kind you can buy at your local Coles. You know, mass-produced and loaded with sugar. A thick slice of tomato straddles the thicker wad of meat and spices. Underneath that was a sprinkling of stale lettuce, swimming in a thick pool of mysterious sauce. An underwhelming combination, all up. SCORE: 4

HANDLING: Despite being composed of sub-par ingredients, the Subi Burger held together surprisingly well. Nothing fell out (not there was much to fall out) and there was no dripping of any kind. I imagine the components had plenty of time to congeal while they were sweating together in the bain-marie, their relationships developing over a long period, like a series of Big Brother, but with more charm. SCORE: 8

TASTE: It's amazing what science can do these days. The Subi Burger uncannily resembles a real hamburger, but is mostly recycled footballs and ground hogs anus. The bun was soft and all too sweet. The thick wad of unripe tomato proved a challenge for even my well-muscled jaws. Below that was the burger patty, a pleasant thickness but with an unpleasant taste. If there was more than 40% real meat in that greasy slab I will tear up my West Coast membership (just kidding, I don't have a membership). The lettuce shouldn't have bothered turning up at all, as it went completely unnoticed, and the mayo it was wallowing in tasted like a light version of the biological weapon used in the Big Mac. The whole mass had that awful frozen-defrosted-microwaved flavour to it. The flavour of some bleak, Blade Runner-esque future. SCORE: 3

AFTER EFFECTS: The Subi Burger burned in my stomach like a hot coal. Thankfully the discomfort was short-lived, unlike the shameful exit from Subiaco Oval, past leering hoards of gap-toothed Carlton fans. SCORE: 4

VALUE: Anyone who has ever been to an entertainment venue will know that 'value' is a foreign concept to all who work there. This lump of barely-bun and almost-meat cost me a whopping $6 Australian dollaroos. I barely had enough change to pay off the train guards so they wouldn't beat me to death on the long ride home. SCORE: 2

I will say the Subi Burger gave the Big Mac a good run for its money in the race to the bottom. The patty was far more substantial than Macca's offering, but I'm still not convinced it actually contained any meat. It also boasted a healthy slice of (admittedly chewy) tomato, but sadly no pickles. In the end, its price and god-awful looks dragged it down to the same level.

FINAL SCORE: 4/10