I therefore confined myself to the Fortress of Burgitude and began researching whether a decent burger actually existed in this blighted state. Months later, I struck upon the answer.
A burger is only as good as the quality of its ingredients and, thus far, the deadly duo I had sampled did not rate highly in this category. Classifying their ingredients as 'mildly hazardous to all life' would be generous. Therefore the answer was clear - I had to track down a burger with only the toppest notch of ingredients. But what would that mean? Caviar ketchup? Gold-plated pickles?
As luck would have it, the annual Mundaring Truffle Festival was taking place in the nearby hills. I quickly grabbed my food-hating best friend (which seemed a poor choice on reflection) and raced up the highway to hopeful burger heaven.
That's no burger. It's a space station.
APPEARANCE: The Truffled Moon-meat Burger was not off to the best of starts. Despite containing the most gourmet of ingredients, the burger was casually tossed at me wrapped inside a big ball of foil. Not the most inspiring of presentations. Having unwrapped my early Xmas present, I was faced with an imposing mound of mashed pig-flesh balanced between two halves of a bun. The meaning of its name was now clear, for the burger was the exact same size and shape of the moon. A smattering of limp rocket poked out from beneath the pork-boulder. Well, looks aren't everything I (hope) suppose. SCORE: 3
INGREDIENTS: I must apologise as I forgot to take a photo of the menu that listed the complete breakdown of the burger. It made every single ingredient, even the rocket leaves, sound like the most divine food, express-delivered from the gods. My descriptive muscles don't flex as strongly, but I'll do my best. Basically you had the two halves of a good quality bun, smeared on both sides with fragrant truffle oil. Teetering in between was the titanic hog-sphere of doom, at least as big as my fist. This contained bits of truffle, herbs and possibly bits of cheese. It was hard to tell and, to be honest, I didn't wish to look to closely at what was possibly a dinosaur testicle. The meat orb rested on a scattering of rocket leaves, which were probably added as an afterthought to break up all the shades of brown. Although the list of ingredients was small, I hoped it was a matter of quality over quantity. SCORE: 6
HANDLING: Eating the cannonball of meat would have been much easier if I was a snake, because I could have unhinged my jaw and just let the whole thing slide down my throat. As it was I had to chip away at it with my puny man-sized bites. The handling started out well because, let's face it, there wasn't much to handle. But as I progressed it became harder and harder to get an even mouthful of both meat and bun. As I gripped the bun it seemed to force the burger into my mouth, like it was hatching a gigantic meat-egg. The last ten minutes or so of the meal was just me eating a, admittedly tasty, truffle oil-smeared bun. SCORE: 6
TASTE: This burger had been bathing in oil before I got my mits on it. The bun was glistening with oil. The porcine globe was slathered with it, like the king of pigs wallowing in a trough of the stuff. But it was truffle-oil, so all was good in the world. The flavour of the meat was intense, and I don't mean the truffles - I mean the pork! It was like an entire herd of boar had been distilled down into this one lump of meat. It was pig city, baby! Unfortunately the meat was a tad cold, and quite pink in the middle. The truffle flavour came through a little, but it was totally dominated by the pork. The taste was so strong that I struggled to finish it, and I'm a certified carnivore! A taste sensation, no doubt, but I'm not sure I liked the sensation. SCORE: 6
AFTER EFFECTS: This was a tough burger to digest. Lots of carbs, lots of protein, lots of rich ingredients. Considering I had eaten the equivalent of a baby head, however, it was not totally unexpected. SCORE: 4
VALUE: Before I even attended the festival I had bets with my friends to guess how much this burger would cost. Estimates ranged from $12 all the way up to around $28.50. It was therefore with some delight that I handed over a $10 bill in exchange for the moon-meat madness. Not bad for something laden with truffles. Although the taste didn't fully agree with me, the price was well worth the experience. SCORE: 8
So there you have it, a gourmet burger at last. The rich don't have it all easy, because this bad boy was tough on the taste buds and the stomach. I'm certainly glad I took the opportunity to have one, but I won't be adding it to my regular dining menu.
FINAL SCORE: 6/10
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