Burger Review #8: Burger Edge's 'The Meat Lover'

Sh. P136, Enex 100 Bldg.

783-703 Hay Street Perth, WA 6000

Ph: (08) 9486 7715

Like an overexcited nudist enthusiast, the gourmet burger scene has seemingly exploded all over the place in the last five years, with big franchises and little burger bars popping up all over the place. Thankfully for me it means there are plenty of tasty nooks and crannies left to check out and review (also just like an overexcited nudist enthusiast).

A while back I stepped into the newish shoppery building in Perth, known as Enex 100. Locals will know it as the collection of clothing stores where store assistants wearing vests and chravats banally chat away to each other, pausing only to stare down any unfortunates who think they can afford to shop there. But I had not come there in search of shopping wankery. I was there to eat at Burger Edge, a new franchise that had set up a booth in the food court on the top floor of the building.

Accompanied by my sometime burger-reviewing partner in crime Julie (happy birthday!) I stepped up to the counter and perused their menu. With burger names like 'The BBQ Bacon' and 'The Mexican' I thought I had wandered into a pizzeria instead. In the end I settled on the similarly pizza-themed 'The Meat Lover'. Let's dig in!

APPEARANCE: It looked okay. There, I put as much effort into describing it as they did into slapping it together. We're even. SCORE: 6

INGREDIENTS: Beef patty, short rindless bacon, salami, ham, cheese, salad, BBQ sauce in a white sourdough bun. Yep, that's a pretty meaty burger. I was most excited about the salami - one of my favourite pizza toppings - and hoped it would translate just as tastily as a burger ingredient. The salad amounted to lettuce, tomato and onion (i.e. the basics) and it was all served in a white sourdough bun, because everything tastes better when its sour. Sourdough or sourdon't, that is the question, amiright?! SCORE: 7.5

TASTE: On first bite, the bun was dry, but the burger pattie had that delicious flame-grilled flavour that Hungry Jacks boasts of (except in their case I think it comes from a spray bottle). With each consecutive bite, the bun became drier and drier. The outer edges were nice and slightly burnt, but towards the center it was like chewing through a dust storm. Then the meat began to meld together into its own kind of 'Human Centipede' monstrosity. I couldn't tell the bacon from the salami, the beef from the ham. It just tasted like a metric buttload of MEAT. At risk of overdosing from the carnage, I begged the salad to get in there and defuse the situation. Sadly the red onion was crunchy and raw, the tomato was devoid of flavour and the lettuce limp and ineffectual (as always). A promising start had descended into a meat-lined madhouse. SCORE: 6.5

HANDLING: There was a small amount of drippage, which almost seems to be expected these days. No, kind sirs, I don't appreciate the animal-flavoured innards of my meal spilling out onto my lap, ruining my brand new kilt and inconveniencing the passers-by. Still, I've had worse. Much worse. SCORE: 7.5

AFTERMATH: I honestly cannot remember how well this burger sat in my digestive tract. Considering it was several fistfuls of grilled flesh wrapped in ashes, it can't have been too pleasant. But alas, we'll never know for sure and I'll have to give the burger the benefit of the doubt. SCORE: 6

PRICE: With a serve of onion rings this carnivorous catastrophe left me $16 lighter. Again, these supposedly 'gourmet' burger bars are pushing the upper limits of what is considered a reasonable price for a hamburger. Still, they aren't the only ones guilty of this, and the onion rings were pretty tasty. SCORE: 6

OVERALL: If you can't get out to Burger Edge any time soon, I have a way you can recreate the experience in your own home. Order in a meat-lovers pizza. Sprinkle with tomato and lettuce. Roll up the pizza and its topping and begin mastication. Ta-dahhhh!!!

FINAL SCORE: 6.5/10

Burger Review #7: Missy Moo Beef Burger

Missy Moos Gourmet Burger Bar
400 South Terrace, South Fremantle WA 6162
Ph: (08) 9433 3322


Hi gang, miss me?

Nestled in a quiet corner of Fremantle one will find Missy Moo's Gourmet Burger Bar, a professional burgernaut establishment nary a burger's throw from the ocean. Run by a mother and daughter duo, it has built up a reputation as one of WA's best burgeries. Even professional fat bloke Mat Preston gave it a 9/10. Shall I be as forgiving? Let's see!


Somehow I found myself down Freo way, so far from home, and took the opportunity to check out what Missymoos had to offer. A word of warning - the people I saw milling about that day terrified me. Countless beach-goers who decided that a wet t-shirt and tiny speedos qualified as clothing. Some insane old lady stomping down the sidewalk, hurling fat gobs of greenish ooze every few steps. Beware.


The place has a kids nursery rhyme vibe to it, with burger names such as the 'humpty dumpty' and the 'two little dickie birds' (and don't that just sound appetising!). Being my first time I decided to play it safe and went for the vanilla stylings of the Missy Moo Beef Burger.


APPEARANCE: The burger wasn't much to look for when it arrived. Granted, I did order is takeaway, so perhaps they deserve the benefit of the doubt. SCORE: 5


INGREDIENTS: Beef pattie, spinach, tomato, tomato relish and aioli, all slapped together in a bun. The bare basics, but that's all you need. A guaranteed sign of a 'gourmet' burger is the appearance of aioli. It must be worth more than oil, the way it drives the price of a burger up. SCORE: 8


TASTE: Well hot dang, this is a tasty burger! It possesses a delicious savoury flavour, with a hint of spiciness. The savouriness is boosted by the relish, but the lightness of the tomato and aioli balance things out and prevent it from going too far. The bun doesn't intrude at all, it simply does its job and keeps everything in place. It is seen, not tasted, like all good buns should be. And children. SCORE: 8


HANDLING: I had the benefit of eating the burger out of a paper holder, so there was only a small amount of debris and dripping. If you eat in your experience may differ. SCORE: 7


AFTERMATH: This is where I expected the burger to stumble. It was a great experience so far but, like the gigantic boss at the end of every video game, there had to be a fatal weakness! The spicy tomato relish is almost too spicy in parts, creating a small amount of discomfort in the stomach region. It may have been the result of a chemical reaction between the burger and the spearmint shake I chugged alongside it. Relish and milk mix, right? SCORE: 6


PRICE: Ten bucks. A simple tenner and this burger can be yours. It sounds reasonable, but remember there is very little to the meal ingredients-wise. Still, its on the lower end of the gourmet burger price spectrum, so I can't complain. More advanced burgers range in price from $11-15 (and a gourmet toasted sandwich priced at a wallet-emptying $16.50!). SCORE: 8


OVERALL: If a burger can't stand on its own without a cavalcade of extra ingredients to back it up, then it is no real burger at all. Missy Moo's Beef Burger definitely stands alone. A delicious delight, its mouth-watering beef pattie drives this flavour train, with the relish sitting in the back, gawking at the scenery. It made the trip from the hills to Fremantle a worthwhile endeavour, and I recommend you give Missy Moo's a bash if you're ever down that way.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10

Brett's Burger Review - USA Edition!

And we're back!

Way back in 2005 I had the pleasure of visiting the home of the hamburger - the United States of America. While there I saw lots of sights and met lots of great people but, most importantly, I ate a lot of burgers. It was here that I first had the idea to set up a burger review site, something that would take me five years to get around to doing!

I recently found the little black book in which I had written reviews of the burgers I had sampled during my trip in the USA. Here now, for your reading pleasure, are some mini-reviews of the burgers that I tried. Enjoy!


Rock Bottom's House Burger
Rock Bottom Bar & Brewery
740 N. Plankinton Avenue
Milwaukee, WI 53203
$9.49USD excl. tax (with caesar salad & fries)

Appearance: 6
Ingredients: 6
Handling: 6
Taste: 8
After-Effects: 8
Value: 6

The bare minimum as far as the ingredients go, but the burger patty is excellent. A solid and tasty burger, but lacking in extras.

FINAL SCORE: 6.6/10


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Surf View Cafe's Regular Hamburger
Surf View Cafe
330 Santa Monica Pier
Santa Monica Pier, CA 90401-3128
$4.32USD incl. tax


Appearance: 3
Ingredients: 5
Handling: 8
Taste: 5
After-Effects: 7
Value: 7

Beef patty, tomato, lettuce, pickles & mayo in a bun.

My first hamburger from the United States. Looks terrible but does the job... barely.

FINAL SCORE: 5.8/10


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Hooters Burger
Hooters of Chicago
660 N. Wells Street
Chicago, IL 60610
$5.99USD (+39c for American cheese)

Appearance: 5
Ingredients: 7
Handling: 8
Taste: 5
After-Effects: 7
Value: 6

Beef patty, tomato, onion, lettuce, baked beans, pickles & american cheese in a sesame seed bun.

Tastes like an oversized burger from McDonalds. The patty was greasy and mostly tastless. Friendly waitress, though!

FINAL SCORE: 6.3/10

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Vegan Burger
Santa Monica Boulevard
Santa Monica, CA

Appearance: 6
Ingredients: 5
Handling: 7
Taste: 4
After-Effects: 8
Value: 4

Perhaps the most bizarre burger I have ever eaten. It looks like a normal burger, but everything inside it is pure vegan, even the "beef" patty, bacon and cheese. A spot-on facsimile of the real thing as far as appearances go. Now they just need to make it taste good.


FINAL SCORE: 5.6/10

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More to come - stay tuned!

Burger Review #5: Ready Go Eat Cheeseburger

A true artist suffers for his work. Proof of this is the burger I am about to consume (lord help me!). We've all seen them, sitting quietly in the freezer aisle of our local supermarket, trying to lure us in with their promises of quick cooking times and delicious flavours. That's right, I'm talking about the microwaveable hamburger.

Someone has to buy these things, right? Otherwise the stores wouldn't stock them. Unless, that is, they are the same burgers from the initial stock order that have been sitting around for several years. People out there are actually taking home a frozen burger, preferring to zap it in their microwave rather than pick up something (slightly) fresher from the fast food joint on the corner. And today I have joined that special brand of people. Today I try Ready Go Eat's Cheeseburger!

APPEARANCE: The first thing that amazed me when I went to purchase a microwaveable hamburger was that I actually had to choose between brands. There are multiple frozen hamburgers. Astounding. In the end I went for the bright yellow packaging of the Ready Go Eat brand, which promises 'Yummy Cheese' and a 'Unique Heating Tray'. I like how it says 'with tomato relish', as if that would be the deal-sealer that convinces a person to buy.

Inside the box is what looks like your garden variety cheeseburger, cocooned inside a plastic bag. The unique heating tray I was promised turns out to be a regular cardboard tray with pretty frilled edging. Still, this miracle of modern science promises that it will ensure a 'crispy base burger every time'. Thank goodness, I was sick of the undersides of my burgers not being burnt enough! SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: Things are starting to get really troubling. A glance at the ingredients list reveals all kinds of preservatives, thickeners, flavours, and anticaking agent, in case the burger tries to turn into a dessert when no one's watching. The beef patty promises to be at least 27% beef, which leaves a whopping 73% of WTF! The percentages continue: beef patty 43%, tomato relish 9%, processed cheese 8% and... that's it. The other 40% has either vanished or is composed of something so horrible they don't dare name it. Or perhaps it is made of wishes and pixie dreams. SCORE: 2

HANDLING: I'm taking the burger out of its plastic coffin and shoving it in the microwave. I zap it for 2 minutes 15 seconds, a bit longer than recommended as I don't want anything in that burger to remain alive. The cooking instructions (LOL) suggest leaving the burger for a minute after microwaving it so it can cool down. I will find some way to restrain myself. What has emerged from the microwave appears almost exactly the same as what had gone in. The major difference is that the slice of processed cheese has boiled itself into a frenzy, and is now riddled with craters and bubbles. I check the underside of the bun, which reveals a dark patch of slightly rougher texture. Crispy base, my ass!

Being a simple cheeseburger, the handling of this one should be a cinch. After the interminable minute had passed I was able to hold it firmly in both hands, with no drippage or loss of filling. Now comes the hard part - biting into it. SCORE: 7

TASTE: Although the outside has cooled sufficiently, the inside is like the molten core of the Sun. My first bite passed through layers of fluffy bun, sticky cheese and thick, rubbery, almost-beef patty, but it all tastes like nothing. I forge on. Apart from a faint hint of some nasty chemical, there is no flavour to this burger whatsoever. It's as if I am consuming a heated up plastic replica of a hamburger. Ooh, I bit into a sesame seed! It's like a taste explosion compared to what has come before. Still I continue, each bite denying my taste buds any kind of stimulus. I think the chemical taste is coming from the tomato relish. The psuedo-beef patty is a little too tough to bite through; I'm guessing the remaining 73% is old beer coasters. This is the absolute nadir of my journey thus far. May God have mercy on my soul. SCORE: 1

AFTER EFFECTS: A few minutes have passed. I have been so focused on my stomach that I have failed to notice the headache that has just crept up. My body is filled with so many preservatives that I will probably live forever. Oh god, I have this horrible oily flavour stuck in the back of my throat. How is this possible when the burger didn't taste like anything!?!? SCORE: 4

VALUE: I don't even remember how much this cost. It doesn't really matter, does it? Nothing is worth the horror of going through this ordeal. SCORE: 4

Thank Christ I didn't choose the one with bacon.

FINAL SCORE: 3/10

Burger Review #3: Truffled Moon-meat Burger

Alright, time to class up this joint! For the past fortnight I had suffered through two sub-par burgers from two sub-par outlets. Anyone could see that this was a worrying trend that needed rectifying quick-smart. My fans (and my taste buds) demanded it!

I therefore confined myself to the Fortress of Burgitude and began researching whether a decent burger actually existed in this blighted state. Months later, I struck upon the answer.

A burger is only as good as the quality of its ingredients and, thus far, the deadly duo I had sampled did not rate highly in this category. Classifying their ingredients as 'mildly hazardous to all life' would be generous. Therefore the answer was clear - I had to track down a burger with only the toppest notch of ingredients. But what would that mean? Caviar ketchup? Gold-plated pickles?

As luck would have it, the annual Mundaring Truffle Festival was taking place in the nearby hills. I quickly grabbed my food-hating best friend (which seemed a poor choice on reflection) and raced up the highway to hopeful burger heaven.

That's no burger. It's a space station.

APPEARANCE: The Truffled Moon-meat Burger was not off to the best of starts. Despite containing the most gourmet of ingredients, the burger was casually tossed at me wrapped inside a big ball of foil. Not the most inspiring of presentations. Having unwrapped my early Xmas present, I was faced with an imposing mound of mashed pig-flesh balanced between two halves of a bun. The meaning of its name was now clear, for the burger was the exact same size and shape of the moon. A smattering of limp rocket poked out from beneath the pork-boulder. Well, looks aren't everything I (hope) suppose. SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: I must apologise as I forgot to take a photo of the menu that listed the complete breakdown of the burger. It made every single ingredient, even the rocket leaves, sound like the most divine food, express-delivered from the gods. My descriptive muscles don't flex as strongly, but I'll do my best. Basically you had the two halves of a good quality bun, smeared on both sides with fragrant truffle oil. Teetering in between was the titanic hog-sphere of doom, at least as big as my fist. This contained bits of truffle, herbs and possibly bits of cheese. It was hard to tell and, to be honest, I didn't wish to look to closely at what was possibly a dinosaur testicle. The meat orb rested on a scattering of rocket leaves, which were probably added as an afterthought to break up all the shades of brown. Although the list of ingredients was small, I hoped it was a matter of quality over quantity. SCORE: 6

HANDLING: Eating the cannonball of meat would have been much easier if I was a snake, because I could have unhinged my jaw and just let the whole thing slide down my throat. As it was I had to chip away at it with my puny man-sized bites. The handling started out well because, let's face it, there wasn't much to handle. But as I progressed it became harder and harder to get an even mouthful of both meat and bun. As I gripped the bun it seemed to force the burger into my mouth, like it was hatching a gigantic meat-egg. The last ten minutes or so of the meal was just me eating a, admittedly tasty, truffle oil-smeared bun. SCORE: 6

TASTE: This burger had been bathing in oil before I got my mits on it. The bun was glistening with oil. The porcine globe was slathered with it, like the king of pigs wallowing in a trough of the stuff. But it was truffle-oil, so all was good in the world. The flavour of the meat was intense, and I don't mean the truffles - I mean the pork! It was like an entire herd of boar had been distilled down into this one lump of meat. It was pig city, baby! Unfortunately the meat was a tad cold, and quite pink in the middle. The truffle flavour came through a little, but it was totally dominated by the pork. The taste was so strong that I struggled to finish it, and I'm a certified carnivore! A taste sensation, no doubt, but I'm not sure I liked the sensation. SCORE: 6

AFTER EFFECTS: This was a tough burger to digest. Lots of carbs, lots of protein, lots of rich ingredients. Considering I had eaten the equivalent of a baby head, however, it was not totally unexpected. SCORE: 4

VALUE: Before I even attended the festival I had bets with my friends to guess how much this burger would cost. Estimates ranged from $12 all the way up to around $28.50. It was therefore with some delight that I handed over a $10 bill in exchange for the moon-meat madness. Not bad for something laden with truffles. Although the taste didn't fully agree with me, the price was well worth the experience. SCORE: 8

So there you have it, a gourmet burger at last. The rich don't have it all easy, because this bad boy was tough on the taste buds and the stomach. I'm certainly glad I took the opportunity to have one, but I won't be adding it to my regular dining menu.

FINAL SCORE: 6/10

Burger Review #1: The Big Mac

Welcome back to the very first burger review here at BBR. I thought long and hard about what to review first, and decided on, arguably, the most famous burger in the world. Yep, it's the McDonald's Big Mac!

One of the signature products of the McDonalds "restaurant" chain, the Big Mac has been around since the hippy-laden days of the mid-sixties. Fun factoid: Big Mac is also the name of the burger-headed policeman whose continued incompetence has allowed the Hamburglar to continue his crime wave for many decades now!

Let's not waste any more time - on to the review!

APPEARANCE: Perhaps the only "restaurant" where plates and cutlery are looked upon with disdain, the Big Mac was provided to me in a battered cardboard box sitting atop a thick wad of napkins.

The One and Only Big Mac. Thank God.

I'm not sure whether the napkins were for the burger or the box, for both were glistening with a sheen of grease. Undeterred, I pressed on and opened up the box...

As far as the McDonalds marketing folk would have you know, this is what a Big Mac looks like:

Okay. Not too shabby-looking. This, however, is what I was served:

Hmm... a slight difference between the two. One is a tall, proud tower of a burger and icon of the biggest fast food empire in the world. The other a slumped, disshevelled lump wallowing in its own filth. SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun! Yes, we all know the jingle, but how does it measure up in reality? The two all beef patties were small disks of a greyish, meat-like substance. Any thinner and they'd be transparent. The special sauce was a thick, pale yellow, and had mingled with the copious amounts of limp lettuce and raw onion to create an unholy amalgam not unlike vomit. In fact, this is what I imagine Ronald McDonald spews up after a hard night on the bottle:

It was inside Ronald and now its inside YOU.

I thought I had been stiffed on the pickles, until I spotted one solitary slice trying to make a run for it from one corner of the burger. This delightful combination of ingredients was served within the sesame-seed bun, which included the baffling divider layer that sits in the middle of the burger. Whether this third bun layer is to aid in the stability of the burger or just to act as filler and compensation for the lack of meat, is unclear. I imagine one poor McDonalds worker accidentally ordered way too many bun bottoms than bun tops, and the Big Mac was invented as a solution.

The list of ingredients is quite good, but the quality of said ingredients is beyond disgraceful. SCORE: 3

HANDLING: This is the one area where I thought the Big Mac could score well. Alas, Ronald's signature dish stumbled here as well. As soon as I picked up the burger, half of its lettuce filling spilled out into the box. From there on it was smooth sailing, as the burger can be grasped easily in one hand or two, and the structural integrity was sound. That is until the last few bites, when a dollop of the luminous secret sauce shot out on to my lap. SCORE: 5

TASTE: It only took ten minutes for me to get this burger home from the restaurant, but in that short time it had become stone-cold. The first bite was like sinking my teeth into a cold bun, and then having my mouth injected with acid. The secret sauce is obviously some kind of toxic bioweapon that the government has seen fit to trial on the populace. The burning, stinging sensation as the sauce hit my tongue was a unique experience. As I laboured my way through the burger, I could hardly tell that there was any meat or cheese in there at all. It was just mouthful after mouthful of bun, lettuce, crunchy onion, and slatherings of poison. SCORE: 2

AFTER EFFECTS: Not too bad at first, mainly just a general feeling of unease and impending doom. As time went on, however, the masticated remnants of the Big Mac formed a heavy lump in my gut, torturing me from beyond the grave. I have had worse, however. SCORE: 5

VALUE: The Big Mac by itself costs AUD $4.50, which came as a surprise to me. I had expected maybe $2.95 at the most, but it seems the global financial crisis has hit Ronnie hard. The 'value meal' (with fries and Coke) costs AUD $7.15, so it should really be renamed 'meal'. I still expect my stamps to cost thruppence, though, so maybe I'm old-fashioned. SCORE: 6

In closing, I have no idea how McDonalds has sold so many millions of these burgers. Were they laced with cocaine back in the day? This was a truly harrowing experience, and the only positive I can take from it is that we can only go up in quality from here. Right??

Now, please excuse me while I go purge this burger from my system and make my own 'secret sauce'.

FINAL SCORE: 4/10