Burgerlord USA!

More mini-reviews from the grand old US-of-A:

In-N-Out's Cheese Burger Meal

In-N-Out

333 Jefferson Street

San Francisco, CA

$4.25USD incl. tax

Appearance: 6

Ingredients: 6

Handling: 8

Taste: 4

After-Effects: 8

Value: 6

Beef patty, onion, tomato, lettuce, cheese & mayo on a lightly-toasted bun.

The tasteless patty is so thin it is practically transparent. The huge chunks of raw onion are unfortunately the only source of flavour.

FINAL SCORE: 6.3/10

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Fatburger's King Burger

Fatburger

3673 S. Las Vegas Blvd.

Las Vegas, NV 89109

$4.89USD (+50c for cheese)

Appearance: 6

Ingredients: 7

Handling: 7

Taste: 7.5

After-Effects: 7

Value: 8

1/2lb beef patty, lettuce, tomato, pickles, mustard, mayo & relish on a "freshly baked" bun.

Tasty burger from this retro-styled restaurant chain. Comes wrapped in a handy paper holder that aids in the initial eating but soon becomes a slop depository.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10

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Bennigan's "The Irish"

Bennigan's

150 South Michigan Avenue

Chicago, IL

$9.99USD incl. tax (with fries)

Appearance: 8

Ingredients: 7

Handling: 2

Taste: 8

After-Effects: 3

Value: 5

2 x beef patties, cheese, tomato & lettuce on a toasted bun.

This double-decker behemoth is so massive that there is no chance of tackling it with your hands. Despite the juicy grilled patties I struggled to finish this bad boy. Come prepared.

FINAL SCORE: 5.5/10

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Billy Goat's Triple Cheeseburger

Billy Goat Tavern & Grill

330 S.Wells St, Chicago, IL

$5.55USD excl. tax

Appearance: 6

Ingredients: 7

Handling: 8

Taste: 8

After-Effects: 7

Value: 8

3 x beef patties, 2 x slices cheese on a white bun (with mayo, ketchup, onions & pickles added by me at the condiments table).

Quick and friendly service despite the surly cook insisting I 'get a double' instead. Thin but tasty patties get my thumbs up!

FINAL SCORE: 7.3/10

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Still more to come - stay tuned burgernauts!

Brett's Burger Review - USA Edition!

And we're back!

Way back in 2005 I had the pleasure of visiting the home of the hamburger - the United States of America. While there I saw lots of sights and met lots of great people but, most importantly, I ate a lot of burgers. It was here that I first had the idea to set up a burger review site, something that would take me five years to get around to doing!

I recently found the little black book in which I had written reviews of the burgers I had sampled during my trip in the USA. Here now, for your reading pleasure, are some mini-reviews of the burgers that I tried. Enjoy!


Rock Bottom's House Burger
Rock Bottom Bar & Brewery
740 N. Plankinton Avenue
Milwaukee, WI 53203
$9.49USD excl. tax (with caesar salad & fries)

Appearance: 6
Ingredients: 6
Handling: 6
Taste: 8
After-Effects: 8
Value: 6

The bare minimum as far as the ingredients go, but the burger patty is excellent. A solid and tasty burger, but lacking in extras.

FINAL SCORE: 6.6/10


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Surf View Cafe's Regular Hamburger
Surf View Cafe
330 Santa Monica Pier
Santa Monica Pier, CA 90401-3128
$4.32USD incl. tax


Appearance: 3
Ingredients: 5
Handling: 8
Taste: 5
After-Effects: 7
Value: 7

Beef patty, tomato, lettuce, pickles & mayo in a bun.

My first hamburger from the United States. Looks terrible but does the job... barely.

FINAL SCORE: 5.8/10


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Hooters Burger
Hooters of Chicago
660 N. Wells Street
Chicago, IL 60610
$5.99USD (+39c for American cheese)

Appearance: 5
Ingredients: 7
Handling: 8
Taste: 5
After-Effects: 7
Value: 6

Beef patty, tomato, onion, lettuce, baked beans, pickles & american cheese in a sesame seed bun.

Tastes like an oversized burger from McDonalds. The patty was greasy and mostly tastless. Friendly waitress, though!

FINAL SCORE: 6.3/10

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Vegan Burger
Santa Monica Boulevard
Santa Monica, CA

Appearance: 6
Ingredients: 5
Handling: 7
Taste: 4
After-Effects: 8
Value: 4

Perhaps the most bizarre burger I have ever eaten. It looks like a normal burger, but everything inside it is pure vegan, even the "beef" patty, bacon and cheese. A spot-on facsimile of the real thing as far as appearances go. Now they just need to make it taste good.


FINAL SCORE: 5.6/10

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More to come - stay tuned!

Burger Review #6: Grill'd 'Crispy Bacon & Cheese'

The burger-peddling entity known as Grill'd has been around for a while in Australia, but has only just opened up stores in Perth (one in Mount Lawley and one to follow in Subiaco). They promise healthy, low-fat burgers that are 'made with love', which to a serious mind like mine means semen. Still, despite the threat of a nutritious meal I headed on in to the Mount Lawley store to sample their wares.

The place was absolutely jam-packed, and elbows were a-flyin' as I fought my way to one of the few tables left. I scanned the menu and was faced with a lineup of intriguing burger selections, such as 'Moroccan Lamb' and 'The Zen Hen', but in the end there was only one real choice: the Grill'd Crispy Bacon & Cheese! Their claim of making healthy burgers would be put to the ultimate test, as this baby was 80% animal by-product.

APPEARANCE: The first thing I noticed when my burger arrived was that it was sitting on a plate. Not a ball of foil, not a cardboard box but a real, honest-to-god dinner plate. I spent a good few minutes admiring the china before I even noticed the burger, which itself was not too shabby to look at. All of its ingredients were on display - its decent-sized meat patty, slice of cheese and salad-y undergrowth - but without it all hanging out like some cheap tart. Not a showy presentation by any means, but a quietly confident one, promising a delicious experience to follow. The only thing that concerned me was a long toothpick skewered right through the centre of the burger. Would it all fall apart when it's big moment came? SCORE: 7

INGREDIENTS: Lets take the list of ingredients straight from the Grill'd website (www.grilld.com.au): Grilled 100% lean beef, crispy trim bacon, tasty cheese, salad (tomato, lettuce & onion), relish & herbed mayo. A good lineup, as simple and straightforward as its appearance. I had the option of having the burger served in either a panini or a wholemeal bun. I chose the latter, as to me paninis are things that sit in the front of a Miss Maudes for untold ages. You can see everything being made behind the counter, ensuring your meal arrives on your table only moments after being compiled by the skilled burgernauts at Grill'd. SCORE: 7

HANDLING: As mentioned above, the burger came with a skewer holding the whole thing together, which made me think it would all fall apart when I began eating it. And that is what should have happened, except somehow this burger defied all the odds. The moment I removed the skewer and picked the burger up, a slice of tomato started its escape. I gnawed away at one side of the burger while the salad tried to beat a hasty retreat out the other, with the onion leading the charge. Further and further it slipped down, until I had a lengthy chain of filling dangling out the back of the bun, like a barrel of monkeys made of salad. And yet, despite this, not one piece fell out completely, except for a tiny scrap of tomato at the very end. Was this a freak occurrence, or had the Grill'd burger maestros engineered the burger to be this way from the start? We may never know the truth. SCORE: 5

TASTE: My first bite was mostly toasted bun, which tasted fresh yet disturbingly healthy, but a hint of smokiness pushed through, meaning I must have snagged a bit of bacon. I forged on, but the burger's initial promise quickly evaporated as I faced mouthful after mouthful of crunchy bun and too-sweet relish. The burger patty suddenly appeared thin and lacking. Still, I forged on, and was glad I did, because the closer I got to the centre of the burger, the better it tasted. Towards the middle the burger was positively juicy, all of its flavours combining together to create a veritable 'flavourgasm' (consider that trademarked!). The sweetness of the relish became tempered by the cool mayo, while the bacon infused the whole meal with smoked piggy goodness. Unfortunately the flavour began to vanish again as I worked my way out to the edge of the burger, until once against I was left with nothing but bits of wholemeal bun. SCORE: 6

AFTER EFFECTS: Nothing to report here. The burger sat pretty well in my gut, and there were no ill-effects, even after I scoffed a bagful of fries. Bravo, Grill'd, bravo... *slow clap*. SCORE: 9

VALUE: The Crispy Bacon & Cheese comes in at a pricey $11.50, which is apparently the price you pay for a healthy meal. Despite the good performance of the burger, I felt that it wasn't fully deserving of so high a price. I mean, eleven-and-a-half bucks is approaching pub food prices, and this was supposed to be a humble burger joint. If you order chips and dipping sauce to go with it (which I did) you will be looking at close to $20 for a meal.SCORE: 4

In the end the burger was a mixed experience, but was a mile better than some of the other ones that have been reviewed on this blog. The inconsistent flavour and high price hurt it, but when the flavours got a-minglin' the burger really came into its own. I can't speak for how healthy it was, but it tasted good and didn't leave me feeling like I had a lump of cement in my stomach afterwards. And after my recent burger experiences that was all I was hoping for. If you haven't tried Grill'd before I would recommend you give them a shot, even if they do promise a healthy eating experience.

FINAL SCORE: 6.5/10

Burger Review #5: Ready Go Eat Cheeseburger

A true artist suffers for his work. Proof of this is the burger I am about to consume (lord help me!). We've all seen them, sitting quietly in the freezer aisle of our local supermarket, trying to lure us in with their promises of quick cooking times and delicious flavours. That's right, I'm talking about the microwaveable hamburger.

Someone has to buy these things, right? Otherwise the stores wouldn't stock them. Unless, that is, they are the same burgers from the initial stock order that have been sitting around for several years. People out there are actually taking home a frozen burger, preferring to zap it in their microwave rather than pick up something (slightly) fresher from the fast food joint on the corner. And today I have joined that special brand of people. Today I try Ready Go Eat's Cheeseburger!

APPEARANCE: The first thing that amazed me when I went to purchase a microwaveable hamburger was that I actually had to choose between brands. There are multiple frozen hamburgers. Astounding. In the end I went for the bright yellow packaging of the Ready Go Eat brand, which promises 'Yummy Cheese' and a 'Unique Heating Tray'. I like how it says 'with tomato relish', as if that would be the deal-sealer that convinces a person to buy.

Inside the box is what looks like your garden variety cheeseburger, cocooned inside a plastic bag. The unique heating tray I was promised turns out to be a regular cardboard tray with pretty frilled edging. Still, this miracle of modern science promises that it will ensure a 'crispy base burger every time'. Thank goodness, I was sick of the undersides of my burgers not being burnt enough! SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: Things are starting to get really troubling. A glance at the ingredients list reveals all kinds of preservatives, thickeners, flavours, and anticaking agent, in case the burger tries to turn into a dessert when no one's watching. The beef patty promises to be at least 27% beef, which leaves a whopping 73% of WTF! The percentages continue: beef patty 43%, tomato relish 9%, processed cheese 8% and... that's it. The other 40% has either vanished or is composed of something so horrible they don't dare name it. Or perhaps it is made of wishes and pixie dreams. SCORE: 2

HANDLING: I'm taking the burger out of its plastic coffin and shoving it in the microwave. I zap it for 2 minutes 15 seconds, a bit longer than recommended as I don't want anything in that burger to remain alive. The cooking instructions (LOL) suggest leaving the burger for a minute after microwaving it so it can cool down. I will find some way to restrain myself. What has emerged from the microwave appears almost exactly the same as what had gone in. The major difference is that the slice of processed cheese has boiled itself into a frenzy, and is now riddled with craters and bubbles. I check the underside of the bun, which reveals a dark patch of slightly rougher texture. Crispy base, my ass!

Being a simple cheeseburger, the handling of this one should be a cinch. After the interminable minute had passed I was able to hold it firmly in both hands, with no drippage or loss of filling. Now comes the hard part - biting into it. SCORE: 7

TASTE: Although the outside has cooled sufficiently, the inside is like the molten core of the Sun. My first bite passed through layers of fluffy bun, sticky cheese and thick, rubbery, almost-beef patty, but it all tastes like nothing. I forge on. Apart from a faint hint of some nasty chemical, there is no flavour to this burger whatsoever. It's as if I am consuming a heated up plastic replica of a hamburger. Ooh, I bit into a sesame seed! It's like a taste explosion compared to what has come before. Still I continue, each bite denying my taste buds any kind of stimulus. I think the chemical taste is coming from the tomato relish. The psuedo-beef patty is a little too tough to bite through; I'm guessing the remaining 73% is old beer coasters. This is the absolute nadir of my journey thus far. May God have mercy on my soul. SCORE: 1

AFTER EFFECTS: A few minutes have passed. I have been so focused on my stomach that I have failed to notice the headache that has just crept up. My body is filled with so many preservatives that I will probably live forever. Oh god, I have this horrible oily flavour stuck in the back of my throat. How is this possible when the burger didn't taste like anything!?!? SCORE: 4

VALUE: I don't even remember how much this cost. It doesn't really matter, does it? Nothing is worth the horror of going through this ordeal. SCORE: 4

Thank Christ I didn't choose the one with bacon.

FINAL SCORE: 3/10

Burger Review #4: Truffled Wagyu Beef Burger

Welcome back all you loyal burger fans to another exciting instalment of Brett's Burger Review? He's back and freshened up after narrowly escaping the clutches of the roly-poly truffled pigball. Will our daring hero ever find that perfect burger? Read on dear fellows...

Okay, so the gourmet burger route didn't go quite as I had planned. The addition of truffles, undeniably one of the swankiest of ingredients, did little to make up for poor presentation, lack of variety in other ingredients and the, frankly, baffling taste. Nevertheless, I refused to give up after one mixed experience. I had to try another gourmet burger - and stat!

Luckily for me there was more than one type of burger on offer at the Mundaring Truffle Festival several weeks back. Ever the glutton, I bought two - one to have for the lunch and the other for dinner that night. The Truffled Moon-meat Burger was dealt with in the last review (and let us never mention its cursed name again...). It was now time to face the Truffled Wagyu Beef Burger!

APPEARANCE: The folks at the truffle festival clearly feared that alien lifeforms were after their burgers. That is the only reason I can think of for them being wrapped in so much god-damn foil! Evidently it helps repel the cosmic rays fired by the burger-hating Martian race. Once my lovingly be-foiled meal was freed from its metallic tomb I was left with a cruelly familiar sight. Plain bun, meat patty and that blasted rocket sticking out the bottom, forever taunting me. Was I destined to relive the experience of the moon-meat debacle? SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: After further inspection it certainly seemed that way. The bun was again of high quality and thoroughly smeared in pungent truffle oil. The beef patty was a nice thickness and appeared to be nicely grilled. The rocket can go die in a fire - if you are going to put some salad in there, do it right! Lettuce and tomato, folks, it may not be classy but it beats the hell out of the limp and flavourless offering I had. A peek under the patty yielded a pleasant surprise in the form of sliced mushroom! All right, now we're getting somewhere! SCORE: 7

HANDLING: The handling with this burger was a cinch, mainly because there was very little to fall out of it in the first place. I can't figure out whether that should be a plus or a minus? The meat patty stayed in position like a good boy, unlike the ever-moving hog-ball from last time. The bun was slick with oil, and therefore my hands ended up the same way. Anyone have a napkin? SCORE: 7

TASTE: The burger was quite good but not very strong in truffle flavour, which is no bad thing. The oil that was lathered across the bun more than made up for the deficit. The patty was nicely charred around the edges, giving an extra boost to the taste-factor. Although the meat was nice, I expected a bit more from it. The flavour of minced remains of a massaged, beer-fed cow should be nothing short of transcendent, right? The mushrooms added a great counter-point to the meatiness and were a very welcome addition. The rocket shouldn't have bothered showing up, though I suppose it added a dash of colour to the mostly brown offering. SCORE: 7

AFTER EFFECTS: Considering I was close to overdosing on truffle-infused foodstuffs, I felt quite fine afterwards. There is always the unsettling feeling as a masticated lump of cow-bread amalgam drops into your stomach, but it quickly passed.SCORE: 8

VALUE: As with the moon-meat madness, this burger cost me a paltry tenner. Again, I consider that pretty good value for a meal loaded with gourmet ingredients. SCORE: 8

Overall the Truffled Wagyu Beef Burger was very tasty and not at all overshadowed by the truffle flavour. Some more salad would have been nice to break up the protein-and-carbs bonanza, but I couldn't complain too much. The quality and flavour of the burger meat is far ahead of the pack at this point, but that is still a way off what I believe a top-class burger should be. Room for improvement, truffle festival. See you next year.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10

Burger Review #3: Truffled Moon-meat Burger

Alright, time to class up this joint! For the past fortnight I had suffered through two sub-par burgers from two sub-par outlets. Anyone could see that this was a worrying trend that needed rectifying quick-smart. My fans (and my taste buds) demanded it!

I therefore confined myself to the Fortress of Burgitude and began researching whether a decent burger actually existed in this blighted state. Months later, I struck upon the answer.

A burger is only as good as the quality of its ingredients and, thus far, the deadly duo I had sampled did not rate highly in this category. Classifying their ingredients as 'mildly hazardous to all life' would be generous. Therefore the answer was clear - I had to track down a burger with only the toppest notch of ingredients. But what would that mean? Caviar ketchup? Gold-plated pickles?

As luck would have it, the annual Mundaring Truffle Festival was taking place in the nearby hills. I quickly grabbed my food-hating best friend (which seemed a poor choice on reflection) and raced up the highway to hopeful burger heaven.

That's no burger. It's a space station.

APPEARANCE: The Truffled Moon-meat Burger was not off to the best of starts. Despite containing the most gourmet of ingredients, the burger was casually tossed at me wrapped inside a big ball of foil. Not the most inspiring of presentations. Having unwrapped my early Xmas present, I was faced with an imposing mound of mashed pig-flesh balanced between two halves of a bun. The meaning of its name was now clear, for the burger was the exact same size and shape of the moon. A smattering of limp rocket poked out from beneath the pork-boulder. Well, looks aren't everything I (hope) suppose. SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: I must apologise as I forgot to take a photo of the menu that listed the complete breakdown of the burger. It made every single ingredient, even the rocket leaves, sound like the most divine food, express-delivered from the gods. My descriptive muscles don't flex as strongly, but I'll do my best. Basically you had the two halves of a good quality bun, smeared on both sides with fragrant truffle oil. Teetering in between was the titanic hog-sphere of doom, at least as big as my fist. This contained bits of truffle, herbs and possibly bits of cheese. It was hard to tell and, to be honest, I didn't wish to look to closely at what was possibly a dinosaur testicle. The meat orb rested on a scattering of rocket leaves, which were probably added as an afterthought to break up all the shades of brown. Although the list of ingredients was small, I hoped it was a matter of quality over quantity. SCORE: 6

HANDLING: Eating the cannonball of meat would have been much easier if I was a snake, because I could have unhinged my jaw and just let the whole thing slide down my throat. As it was I had to chip away at it with my puny man-sized bites. The handling started out well because, let's face it, there wasn't much to handle. But as I progressed it became harder and harder to get an even mouthful of both meat and bun. As I gripped the bun it seemed to force the burger into my mouth, like it was hatching a gigantic meat-egg. The last ten minutes or so of the meal was just me eating a, admittedly tasty, truffle oil-smeared bun. SCORE: 6

TASTE: This burger had been bathing in oil before I got my mits on it. The bun was glistening with oil. The porcine globe was slathered with it, like the king of pigs wallowing in a trough of the stuff. But it was truffle-oil, so all was good in the world. The flavour of the meat was intense, and I don't mean the truffles - I mean the pork! It was like an entire herd of boar had been distilled down into this one lump of meat. It was pig city, baby! Unfortunately the meat was a tad cold, and quite pink in the middle. The truffle flavour came through a little, but it was totally dominated by the pork. The taste was so strong that I struggled to finish it, and I'm a certified carnivore! A taste sensation, no doubt, but I'm not sure I liked the sensation. SCORE: 6

AFTER EFFECTS: This was a tough burger to digest. Lots of carbs, lots of protein, lots of rich ingredients. Considering I had eaten the equivalent of a baby head, however, it was not totally unexpected. SCORE: 4

VALUE: Before I even attended the festival I had bets with my friends to guess how much this burger would cost. Estimates ranged from $12 all the way up to around $28.50. It was therefore with some delight that I handed over a $10 bill in exchange for the moon-meat madness. Not bad for something laden with truffles. Although the taste didn't fully agree with me, the price was well worth the experience. SCORE: 8

So there you have it, a gourmet burger at last. The rich don't have it all easy, because this bad boy was tough on the taste buds and the stomach. I'm certainly glad I took the opportunity to have one, but I won't be adding it to my regular dining menu.

FINAL SCORE: 6/10

Burger Review #2: The Subi Burger

It was a deceptively pleasant afternoon last Saturday when my beloved grandfather and I ventured down to Subiaco Oval to watch our football team of choice, the mighty West Coast Eagles, take on the pointless Carlton Blues. Little did I know that an evening of pain and anguish awaited me.

No, I'm not talking about the fact that the Eagles only played for half the game, before meekly waving the white flag and getting trampled into the turf by Carlton. And I'm not even talking about the feral, wild-eyed Carlton supporters who all had their team song memorised in their tiny brains (but, unfortunately, not the number of a good dentist).

No, I'm talking about the dreaded 'Subi Burger'.

Neither of these things are true.

APPEARANCE: Well, what can you say? This is the burger you threaten to show your kids when they are acting up. The burger you brandish to repel a charging bear. The kind of burger that can stand in for the Big Bad on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, it is perhaps the ugliest burger known to mankind. SCORE: 2

This crawls out of your closet at night.

INGREDIENTS: The Subi Burger is presented between a soft, sesame seed bun, not unlike the kind you can buy at your local Coles. You know, mass-produced and loaded with sugar. A thick slice of tomato straddles the thicker wad of meat and spices. Underneath that was a sprinkling of stale lettuce, swimming in a thick pool of mysterious sauce. An underwhelming combination, all up. SCORE: 4

HANDLING: Despite being composed of sub-par ingredients, the Subi Burger held together surprisingly well. Nothing fell out (not there was much to fall out) and there was no dripping of any kind. I imagine the components had plenty of time to congeal while they were sweating together in the bain-marie, their relationships developing over a long period, like a series of Big Brother, but with more charm. SCORE: 8

TASTE: It's amazing what science can do these days. The Subi Burger uncannily resembles a real hamburger, but is mostly recycled footballs and ground hogs anus. The bun was soft and all too sweet. The thick wad of unripe tomato proved a challenge for even my well-muscled jaws. Below that was the burger patty, a pleasant thickness but with an unpleasant taste. If there was more than 40% real meat in that greasy slab I will tear up my West Coast membership (just kidding, I don't have a membership). The lettuce shouldn't have bothered turning up at all, as it went completely unnoticed, and the mayo it was wallowing in tasted like a light version of the biological weapon used in the Big Mac. The whole mass had that awful frozen-defrosted-microwaved flavour to it. The flavour of some bleak, Blade Runner-esque future. SCORE: 3

AFTER EFFECTS: The Subi Burger burned in my stomach like a hot coal. Thankfully the discomfort was short-lived, unlike the shameful exit from Subiaco Oval, past leering hoards of gap-toothed Carlton fans. SCORE: 4

VALUE: Anyone who has ever been to an entertainment venue will know that 'value' is a foreign concept to all who work there. This lump of barely-bun and almost-meat cost me a whopping $6 Australian dollaroos. I barely had enough change to pay off the train guards so they wouldn't beat me to death on the long ride home. SCORE: 2

I will say the Subi Burger gave the Big Mac a good run for its money in the race to the bottom. The patty was far more substantial than Macca's offering, but I'm still not convinced it actually contained any meat. It also boasted a healthy slice of (admittedly chewy) tomato, but sadly no pickles. In the end, its price and god-awful looks dragged it down to the same level.

FINAL SCORE: 4/10