Welcome one and all to the proud opening of Brett's Burger Review. I am the titular Brett, and it is my solemn duty to scour the world in search of the ultimate burger. Hamburgers are one of my favourite meals and, because of this, I have become quite picky and selective in my attitude towards what constitutes a great burger.
Each post will subject a hamburger to my in-depth rating system and be scored out of 10 on the following criteria:
APPEARANCE: Your eyes will devour the burger long before your taste buds get a chance, therefore appearance is crucial. A flattened, wrappered burger that doesn't remotely resemble its picture on the advertisement will score poorly, while a neatly plated burger standing tall and proud will do well.
INGREDIENTS: What is actually wedged between those two buns? The right combination of ingredients can make or break a hamburger; more is not always better! This category takes into account the meat patty (the cornerstone of the burger) plus all toppings the chef has seen fit to include. A microwaved patty slathered with dog faeces will score poorly; anything else is a win!
HANDLING: Excuse the sauciness (and excuse that pun!), but a great burger is just like a great pair of breasts: both should be firm, able to be grasped with both hands and have as little leakage as possible. A burger that drips like a torrential downpour, or that must be cut up into smaller portions in order to eat will not score well. A burger you can get your hands and jaws around, without dropping half its ingredients on your lap, will score well.
AFTER-EFFECTS: As any recovering alcoholic will know, a big greasy burger sometimes seems like the perfect way to soak up the night before. And as many burger-chain fans know, sometimes said burger sits in your stomach like a lump of lead and makes you regret ever having been born. This rating takes into account the feeling of fullness and satisfaction after the bad boy has been consumed.
VALUE: Finally, was it all worth it? Monetarily, I mean. Paying $20 for an average burger is not my idea of good value, but paying $10 for a spectacular burger would instantly earn my repeat business.
An Overall score for the burger will then be given, along with a closing summary. You may then rest easy knowing that another hamburger has been through the strictest rating system known to man.
We here at BBR are happy to post guest reviews, so if you happen to sample a particularly delectable (or disgusting) hamburger, let us know about it!
Until next time, keep on burgering!
- Burger-Eating Brett
This is without a doubt, my favourite thing you have ever done, which includes designing a leaving shirt with the 'He-man' manifesto on it.
ReplyDeleteMay the sauce be with you Brett.
funniest thing I've read in ages ... yet informative also :)
ReplyDeletepersonally, I've never been a fan of ANY macdonalds burger (do love their breakfasts though)
oh, and I think for fairness' sake, your next review should be a Whopper ... get the comparison out of the way LOL