Burger Review #6: Grill'd 'Crispy Bacon & Cheese'

The burger-peddling entity known as Grill'd has been around for a while in Australia, but has only just opened up stores in Perth (one in Mount Lawley and one to follow in Subiaco). They promise healthy, low-fat burgers that are 'made with love', which to a serious mind like mine means semen. Still, despite the threat of a nutritious meal I headed on in to the Mount Lawley store to sample their wares.

The place was absolutely jam-packed, and elbows were a-flyin' as I fought my way to one of the few tables left. I scanned the menu and was faced with a lineup of intriguing burger selections, such as 'Moroccan Lamb' and 'The Zen Hen', but in the end there was only one real choice: the Grill'd Crispy Bacon & Cheese! Their claim of making healthy burgers would be put to the ultimate test, as this baby was 80% animal by-product.

APPEARANCE: The first thing I noticed when my burger arrived was that it was sitting on a plate. Not a ball of foil, not a cardboard box but a real, honest-to-god dinner plate. I spent a good few minutes admiring the china before I even noticed the burger, which itself was not too shabby to look at. All of its ingredients were on display - its decent-sized meat patty, slice of cheese and salad-y undergrowth - but without it all hanging out like some cheap tart. Not a showy presentation by any means, but a quietly confident one, promising a delicious experience to follow. The only thing that concerned me was a long toothpick skewered right through the centre of the burger. Would it all fall apart when it's big moment came? SCORE: 7

INGREDIENTS: Lets take the list of ingredients straight from the Grill'd website (www.grilld.com.au): Grilled 100% lean beef, crispy trim bacon, tasty cheese, salad (tomato, lettuce & onion), relish & herbed mayo. A good lineup, as simple and straightforward as its appearance. I had the option of having the burger served in either a panini or a wholemeal bun. I chose the latter, as to me paninis are things that sit in the front of a Miss Maudes for untold ages. You can see everything being made behind the counter, ensuring your meal arrives on your table only moments after being compiled by the skilled burgernauts at Grill'd. SCORE: 7

HANDLING: As mentioned above, the burger came with a skewer holding the whole thing together, which made me think it would all fall apart when I began eating it. And that is what should have happened, except somehow this burger defied all the odds. The moment I removed the skewer and picked the burger up, a slice of tomato started its escape. I gnawed away at one side of the burger while the salad tried to beat a hasty retreat out the other, with the onion leading the charge. Further and further it slipped down, until I had a lengthy chain of filling dangling out the back of the bun, like a barrel of monkeys made of salad. And yet, despite this, not one piece fell out completely, except for a tiny scrap of tomato at the very end. Was this a freak occurrence, or had the Grill'd burger maestros engineered the burger to be this way from the start? We may never know the truth. SCORE: 5

TASTE: My first bite was mostly toasted bun, which tasted fresh yet disturbingly healthy, but a hint of smokiness pushed through, meaning I must have snagged a bit of bacon. I forged on, but the burger's initial promise quickly evaporated as I faced mouthful after mouthful of crunchy bun and too-sweet relish. The burger patty suddenly appeared thin and lacking. Still, I forged on, and was glad I did, because the closer I got to the centre of the burger, the better it tasted. Towards the middle the burger was positively juicy, all of its flavours combining together to create a veritable 'flavourgasm' (consider that trademarked!). The sweetness of the relish became tempered by the cool mayo, while the bacon infused the whole meal with smoked piggy goodness. Unfortunately the flavour began to vanish again as I worked my way out to the edge of the burger, until once against I was left with nothing but bits of wholemeal bun. SCORE: 6

AFTER EFFECTS: Nothing to report here. The burger sat pretty well in my gut, and there were no ill-effects, even after I scoffed a bagful of fries. Bravo, Grill'd, bravo... *slow clap*. SCORE: 9

VALUE: The Crispy Bacon & Cheese comes in at a pricey $11.50, which is apparently the price you pay for a healthy meal. Despite the good performance of the burger, I felt that it wasn't fully deserving of so high a price. I mean, eleven-and-a-half bucks is approaching pub food prices, and this was supposed to be a humble burger joint. If you order chips and dipping sauce to go with it (which I did) you will be looking at close to $20 for a meal.SCORE: 4

In the end the burger was a mixed experience, but was a mile better than some of the other ones that have been reviewed on this blog. The inconsistent flavour and high price hurt it, but when the flavours got a-minglin' the burger really came into its own. I can't speak for how healthy it was, but it tasted good and didn't leave me feeling like I had a lump of cement in my stomach afterwards. And after my recent burger experiences that was all I was hoping for. If you haven't tried Grill'd before I would recommend you give them a shot, even if they do promise a healthy eating experience.

FINAL SCORE: 6.5/10

Burger Review #5: Ready Go Eat Cheeseburger

A true artist suffers for his work. Proof of this is the burger I am about to consume (lord help me!). We've all seen them, sitting quietly in the freezer aisle of our local supermarket, trying to lure us in with their promises of quick cooking times and delicious flavours. That's right, I'm talking about the microwaveable hamburger.

Someone has to buy these things, right? Otherwise the stores wouldn't stock them. Unless, that is, they are the same burgers from the initial stock order that have been sitting around for several years. People out there are actually taking home a frozen burger, preferring to zap it in their microwave rather than pick up something (slightly) fresher from the fast food joint on the corner. And today I have joined that special brand of people. Today I try Ready Go Eat's Cheeseburger!

APPEARANCE: The first thing that amazed me when I went to purchase a microwaveable hamburger was that I actually had to choose between brands. There are multiple frozen hamburgers. Astounding. In the end I went for the bright yellow packaging of the Ready Go Eat brand, which promises 'Yummy Cheese' and a 'Unique Heating Tray'. I like how it says 'with tomato relish', as if that would be the deal-sealer that convinces a person to buy.

Inside the box is what looks like your garden variety cheeseburger, cocooned inside a plastic bag. The unique heating tray I was promised turns out to be a regular cardboard tray with pretty frilled edging. Still, this miracle of modern science promises that it will ensure a 'crispy base burger every time'. Thank goodness, I was sick of the undersides of my burgers not being burnt enough! SCORE: 3

INGREDIENTS: Things are starting to get really troubling. A glance at the ingredients list reveals all kinds of preservatives, thickeners, flavours, and anticaking agent, in case the burger tries to turn into a dessert when no one's watching. The beef patty promises to be at least 27% beef, which leaves a whopping 73% of WTF! The percentages continue: beef patty 43%, tomato relish 9%, processed cheese 8% and... that's it. The other 40% has either vanished or is composed of something so horrible they don't dare name it. Or perhaps it is made of wishes and pixie dreams. SCORE: 2

HANDLING: I'm taking the burger out of its plastic coffin and shoving it in the microwave. I zap it for 2 minutes 15 seconds, a bit longer than recommended as I don't want anything in that burger to remain alive. The cooking instructions (LOL) suggest leaving the burger for a minute after microwaving it so it can cool down. I will find some way to restrain myself. What has emerged from the microwave appears almost exactly the same as what had gone in. The major difference is that the slice of processed cheese has boiled itself into a frenzy, and is now riddled with craters and bubbles. I check the underside of the bun, which reveals a dark patch of slightly rougher texture. Crispy base, my ass!

Being a simple cheeseburger, the handling of this one should be a cinch. After the interminable minute had passed I was able to hold it firmly in both hands, with no drippage or loss of filling. Now comes the hard part - biting into it. SCORE: 7

TASTE: Although the outside has cooled sufficiently, the inside is like the molten core of the Sun. My first bite passed through layers of fluffy bun, sticky cheese and thick, rubbery, almost-beef patty, but it all tastes like nothing. I forge on. Apart from a faint hint of some nasty chemical, there is no flavour to this burger whatsoever. It's as if I am consuming a heated up plastic replica of a hamburger. Ooh, I bit into a sesame seed! It's like a taste explosion compared to what has come before. Still I continue, each bite denying my taste buds any kind of stimulus. I think the chemical taste is coming from the tomato relish. The psuedo-beef patty is a little too tough to bite through; I'm guessing the remaining 73% is old beer coasters. This is the absolute nadir of my journey thus far. May God have mercy on my soul. SCORE: 1

AFTER EFFECTS: A few minutes have passed. I have been so focused on my stomach that I have failed to notice the headache that has just crept up. My body is filled with so many preservatives that I will probably live forever. Oh god, I have this horrible oily flavour stuck in the back of my throat. How is this possible when the burger didn't taste like anything!?!? SCORE: 4

VALUE: I don't even remember how much this cost. It doesn't really matter, does it? Nothing is worth the horror of going through this ordeal. SCORE: 4

Thank Christ I didn't choose the one with bacon.

FINAL SCORE: 3/10