A true artist suffers for his work. Proof of this is the burger I am about to consume (lord help me!). We've all seen them, sitting quietly in the freezer aisle of our local supermarket, trying to lure us in with their promises of quick cooking times and delicious flavours. That's right, I'm talking about the microwaveable hamburger.
Someone has to buy these things, right? Otherwise the stores wouldn't stock them. Unless, that is, they are the same burgers from the initial stock order that have been sitting around for several years. People out there are actually taking home a frozen burger, preferring to zap it in their microwave rather than pick up something (slightly) fresher from the fast food joint on the corner. And today I have joined that special brand of people. Today I try Ready Go Eat's Cheeseburger!
APPEARANCE: The first thing that amazed me when I went to purchase a microwaveable hamburger was that I actually had to choose between brands. There are multiple frozen hamburgers. Astounding. In the end I went for the bright yellow packaging of the Ready Go Eat brand, which promises 'Yummy Cheese' and a 'Unique Heating Tray'. I like how it says 'with tomato relish', as if that would be the deal-sealer that convinces a person to buy.
Inside the box is what looks like your garden variety cheeseburger, cocooned inside a plastic bag. The unique heating tray I was promised turns out to be a regular cardboard tray with pretty frilled edging. Still, this miracle of modern science promises that it will ensure a 'crispy base burger every time'. Thank goodness, I was sick of the undersides of my burgers not being burnt enough! SCORE: 3
INGREDIENTS: Things are starting to get really troubling. A glance at the ingredients list reveals all kinds of preservatives, thickeners, flavours, and anticaking agent, in case the burger tries to turn into a dessert when no one's watching. The beef patty promises to be at least 27% beef, which leaves a whopping 73% of WTF! The percentages continue: beef patty 43%, tomato relish 9%, processed cheese 8% and... that's it. The other 40% has either vanished or is composed of something so horrible they don't dare name it. Or perhaps it is made of wishes and pixie dreams. SCORE: 2
HANDLING: I'm taking the burger out of its plastic coffin and shoving it in the microwave. I zap it for 2 minutes 15 seconds, a bit longer than recommended as I don't want anything in that burger to remain alive. The cooking instructions (LOL) suggest leaving the burger for a minute after microwaving it so it can cool down. I will find some way to restrain myself. What has emerged from the microwave appears almost exactly the same as what had gone in. The major difference is that the slice of processed cheese has boiled itself into a frenzy, and is now riddled with craters and bubbles. I check the underside of the bun, which reveals a dark patch of slightly rougher texture. Crispy base, my ass!
Being a simple cheeseburger, the handling of this one should be a cinch. After the interminable minute had passed I was able to hold it firmly in both hands, with no drippage or loss of filling. Now comes the hard part - biting into it. SCORE: 7
TASTE: Although the outside has cooled sufficiently, the inside is like the molten core of the Sun. My first bite passed through layers of fluffy bun, sticky cheese and thick, rubbery, almost-beef patty, but it all tastes like nothing. I forge on. Apart from a faint hint of some nasty chemical, there is no flavour to this burger whatsoever. It's as if I am consuming a heated up plastic replica of a hamburger. Ooh, I bit into a sesame seed! It's like a taste explosion compared to what has come before. Still I continue, each bite denying my taste buds any kind of stimulus. I think the chemical taste is coming from the tomato relish. The psuedo-beef patty is a little too tough to bite through; I'm guessing the remaining 73% is old beer coasters. This is the absolute nadir of my journey thus far. May God have mercy on my soul. SCORE: 1
AFTER EFFECTS: A few minutes have passed. I have been so focused on my stomach that I have failed to notice the headache that has just crept up. My body is filled with so many preservatives that I will probably live forever. Oh god, I have this horrible oily flavour stuck in the back of my throat. How is this possible when the burger didn't taste like anything!?!? SCORE: 4
VALUE: I don't even remember how much this cost. It doesn't really matter, does it? Nothing is worth the horror of going through this ordeal. SCORE: 4
Thank Christ I didn't choose the one with bacon.
FINAL SCORE: 3/10
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